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Cheating > from anonymous4 answers

2 days ago, I told my boyfriend of 5-and-a-half months that while I was drunk and away overseas, I kissed someone else...

The morning after it happened was a fuzzy but very guilty memory but, I decided not to tell my boyfriend because I knew he would be really upset and break up with me. This he did do when I became overwhelmed with guilt and told him what happened, but ever since he is constantly calling me at all hours to cry at me/hurl abuse. I told him I was really sorry, it was a drunken mistake, and that I was really ashamed of my actions, he forgave me but told me he could no longer be with me...

I told him I was sad, but prepared to accept the consequences of my actions and us go our separate ways, but if he wanted to I was willing to change and start over with our relationship. I can tell he wants to stay with me but feels he can't trust me anymore, but when I ask him what he wants to do - stay together or split for good - he can't decide and begins crying again. He's obviously not in the correct mindset to make the decision that he wants (I am prepared for either, as much as I want to stay with him, if he can't do it, I can't force him and I deserve to be alone)...

We really love each other and it so hurts; the worst thing is that I know it's all my fault, I really am taking the ultimate punishment by having the man I love sob his heart out down the phone to me and knowing that I caused it. He's so beside himself he's barely eaten or slept and judging by his phonecalls he is getting increasingly hysterical. He has depression and it's really not good for him...

My question is...I am going to visit him tomorrow by his request, it's about an hour's drive (which I can't really afford but I don't care about that at the minute). I am prepared for him to look at me, say he can't bear to see me anymore and then I drive all the way back again, as he says he doesn't know how he's going to react. I guess I'm wondering what we should do, is it a good idea for me to go and see him? Is he going to be thinking straight enough to make the decision that he wants? I am not proud of what I did and have accepted I was completely in the wrong; so any comments which help the situation as it stands now would be greatly appreciated. Thank you...

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from philipa

(50+female)

I apologise for assuming you were drunk when you told him. There was so much on the drunk fuzzies on my first read had me..get that wrong. I realise you just confessed, though you anticipated his hurt. The rest of my answer stands as it is. I hope more that your confession was an unconscious way of precipitating him to reveal sides of him you may intuitively felt aren't quite right. Not that most would do that on purpose. Alternatively reflect on the chance you enjoy creating a drama for the rush and before eliminating the notion as it does sound initially ridiculous look back and see if your life has had many other dramas.Another thing to check for is the motive of having more power in the relationship if he had to submit to keeping you when you knew how he expected monogamy. I still think he has serious problems to be wary of. Again, get to know yourself and develop your strengths...

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from philipa

(50+female)

While things are looking optimistic right now your boyfriends response is unbalanced and extreme for the length of time you two were dating. If he'd shown understandable hurt and expressed he has expectations of monogamy taking it from there to decide his stance would be a reasonable reaction, depending on his value systems standards.Secondly you made no indication that this was something you took lightly. He'd be justified in wondering how often you loose control with alcohol as you told him when you were drunk and not sober. It's questionable the need or value of your volunteered confession.He is a concern regarding emotional stability at this stage of his life and needs treatment if his issues are fixable. You may find later that he may involve you in a seriously messy situation. You also need to maturely get to know your self better and work on your own vulnerabilities to have safer positive partners and healthier relationships. Work on self respect and insist on it from others...

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